Sleazy Tiger's nomination for 'Man of the Year'

This is an approved message from the Office of Sleazy Tiger:

As all of the readers of this Blog will know, Sleazy Tiger is the King of all that is immoral. He is the Sheikh of Swearing, the President of Promiscuity, the Rajah of Rampaging and the Dean of Drugs. ST's position in these areas has never been challenged and never will. Like a tenured professor, he bestrides his chosen arena like a God. However, and unlike a tenured professor, this Lord of Lechery occasionally recognises and praises lower mortals who have done not-so-great deeds.

Of recent, Sleazy Tiger's attention has been drawn to one such man: a well known man, a rich man, and clearly a distant relation of our own ST.

That's right, it's Sleazy Tiger-Woods.

Until the last few weeks, Woods was considered by ST to be pathetic, contemptible even. He was the kind of goody-goody golden boy who'd never tried a joint, never nicked a chocolate bar from a shop, never tied a Malaysian Ladyboy to a rock and whipped them till they died. However, when Woods managed to forget his driving lessons and hit not just a tree but also a fire hydrant whilst reversing (a feat only bettered by Evil Joe who managed to take out an entire school of orphans whilst in neutral) the lurid stories that followed caused him to quickly climb in ST's regard.

First he lied to Police. Did anyone, ANYONE, in the world anywhere really believe the official line that his wife was trying to rescue him by breaking that rear window with that golf club? Golf Clubs are useful for two things only:

A)as an excuse to get away from your significant other.
B)and being used by your significant other to beat you senseless when she finds out what you were really doing when you were out 'golfing'.

So STW had started sticking it to the man. This impressed ST. But then he kicked it up a notch. Mistresses Tiger thought he'd lined up, putted and then left in a hole covered in Tiger-Love started crawling out into the light of day. At the last count STW was nearing a double figure round of cheating*. This tickled ST so much that he sent STW a congratulatory telegram. In the form of a hooker with 'Way to go you son-of-a-bitch' tattooed in a personal area that a frisky Tiger would surely discover.

[*ST is however distinctly disappointed that so far none of these floozies fits the 'Hugh Grant Theorem.' This states that any celebrity that could have any sexual partner in the world will voluntarily sleep someone who wouldn't get nailed in the world's worst-looking bar with a five drink head start and an entire Tesco's worth of paper bags over their head.]

So Tiger Woods is dead, long live Sleazy Tiger-Woods. But what does this mean for the philandering golfer? Well, his sponsors are deserting him like alcoholics from an AA meeting. But ST feels that when one door closes, another opens. And whilst that door for ST is generally one to a brothel, for STW it may just be an opportunity.

Picture the scene. Tiger is lining up a long putt for the win on the 18th. Suddenly, his eye is caught by an attractive female marshall, who draws him out of shot into the long rough off the fairway. The crowd begins an appreciative murmur, a rising crescendo punctuated by occasional shouts of 'GET IN THE HOLE!' Suddenly, the masses go wild. STW strides out of the grass, zipping his fly with one hand and acknowledging the crowd with the other. His ball lies unnoticed and unmolested on the green. The picture fades to black and the simple message is left:


'Just Do Her'


This has been a message of support for Sleazy Tiger-Woods. When no one else will stand beside you, Sleazy Tiger will do. Though he may pick your pocket at the same time.

10/12/09

Okay sleaze fans, ST here, plenty of things to update you all on…



In no particular order then, Spin Doctor. To my knowledge not many major developments of late. I understand he has discovered the joys of graphic novels. I have a new favourite but I will give you more details of that one later. I am recommending anything by Alan Moore and for those interested in History Maus, Red Son and From Hell make for particular highlights. In other news the Spin Doctor has evidently proven himself to be a shining star in the office gaining a 30% pay increase. This tiger speculates the addition weekly cash will be blown on blow and beer.



From one spinner to another then as we delve into the wonderful world that is the life of Reuben. He has asked me to draw your attention to a special beer, Adnams ‘Christmas Star’. This beer scores 7/10. Sleazy Tigers ‘Beer of the Week’ winner however has got to be ‘Santa’s Wobble’ mainly for the name but also for the deep complex flavours and high alcohol content. 9/10. Further more we wish Reuben the best of luck with his music which can be found somewhere on the internet.



All that talk of beer has reminded me of another man who enjoys the odd tipple. Evil Joe has no doubt been partaking in the occasional drink whilst not busily making up excuses to explain the lack of books on shelves to final year students panicking about impending deadlines. I suspect that the drinking and slow reshelving rate may have some correlation? Joe has been attempting to juggle at least once a week although does feel a little cheated by the cunning marketing ploy of the club to get more members. Turns out the cute female juggler that signed him up no longer attends regular club sessions. Better luck next time. One final note on our budding young photographer, it seems that he has been on a little trip to Ipswich. Photographs are improving with each upload however I have to wonder if the secret to his success is taking over 1000 photographs in order to get the four worth keeping?



Who is next… Mira – Milo, Miley, Malaysia. Yes, Mira has gone back to Malaysia for the Christmas break having suffered months of complicated law questions and the constant drain of living with the threat of being stuck by an errant juggling club. One particular incident that may have scarred poor innocent Mira forever is a certain sleazy book about the ‘adventures’ of Dorothy, Wendy and Alice. When will you learn? If Tristan says something is ‘amazing’ then I advice not opening the pages that can only contain depravity on a level you could not imagine in your worst nightmares. Speaking of another Tristan – Mira misunderstanding for some unbelievable reason Mira thinks Tristan will be in a coherent enough state to collect her from the airport on 1st January. How long have you known him?! He has plans with a Romanian girl so that could lead anywhere. Incidentally I may have stolen your keys and gone on a sleazy road trip, your car is somewhere in Bulgaria.



Tristan then, he is, as ever, having a turbulent time of it. Back to the joy of unemployment. Well actually worse, working in the job that he aimed to avoid at any and all costs. He is now a trainee accountant working for the worlds most demanding boss. Still at least it is not lettings consultancy. On a brighter note Tristan has plans for fun and games in London toward the end of next week including what looks to be a great night out in a gay club. As we know, often the best place to meet the ladies, no competition and guards lowered – I predict a wondrous evening.



That just leaves me to wish Adam a happy birthday for next week. Now I am off to find myself some Yates Girls, do not wait up kids.



ST