Watchtiger

Watchtiger – saving you money to spend on hookers and blow

We now bring you this exclusive. Watchtiger has received numerous reports of shady dealings in London’s world of property rentals. A firm, who we may not name for legal reasons, have been accused of dirty practices in the promotion and leasing of houses. One particular employee has been identified as being wholly and solely complicit in such underhand acts. We are not authorised to name this individual, however in this article he shall be known under the pseudonym ‘Rristan Tedburn.’

Watchtiger decided to collect evidence of these alleged misdemeanours. Two of our investigative team, posing as a prospective couple, used a hidden camera to record shocking footage. The misleading descriptions and outright falsehoods they received are documented in the transcript below:

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Rristan Tedburn (RT): Pleasure to meet both of you. [Flashes pearly white winning smile] Are you ready to see your new house?

Targeted Watchtiger Anonymous Team-man (T.W.A.T.): I thought you said this was a nice area?

RT: But it is. Or at least it will be. The current residents...
Subtle Lady Uncovering Turpitude (S.L.U.T.): A tramp pissed on me on our way here!

RT: The current residents are slowly being pushed out by the influx of young urban professionals. Take that gentleman for instance. [Points at a suited man across the road] A fine example of the standard of tenant you can expect in this neighbourhood.

T.W.A.T: He’s a drug dealer.

RT: I doubt that.

T.W.A.T: Then why did he offer me some ‘Brown Sugar’ when he approached us before you arrived?

RT: Because he is a Pimp and not known to diversify. Shall we go inside? [Hurriedly moves couple into house]

RT: So, as you can see it is a Victorian terrace, tastefully furnished and kept to the highest standard.

S.L.U.T: Tastefully furnished? It’s practically empty!

RT: That is what is so tasteful about it. This house has been furnished to appeal to a wide range of design opinions. Take the living room for example; it has a minimalist look whilst having all necessary fittings to fulfil any requirements.

S.L.U.T: It’s got a plank of wood balanced on two boxes.

RT: A rustic, minimalist look. Shall we check upstairs?

RT: As you can see, it is an open plan attic bedroom, with skylight and en-suite facilities.

T.W.A.T: By en-suite facilities you mean that bucket?

RT: And so close to the bed, such convenience!

S.L.U.T: And when you say skylight, do you mean that hole in the roof? [points to 1.5x1 metre gap in ceiling]

RT: Hole? Calling that a hole defames the groundbreaking vision of the architect. This is an Immersive Skylight. It brings the outside environment in, involving you in your surroundings. If you want to feel closer to nature then this is the feature for you.

S.L.U.T: And what happens when it rains?

RT: You get really immersed in nature.

T.W.A.T: I can’t believe this.

RT: It shocks me too. Such opulence for just £350 a month. An absolute bargain even if I say so myself.

T.W.A.T: You really expect us to pay that much to live here?

RT: For the first year yes.

S.L.U.T: First year?

RT: Our standard contract is laid out as follows. You pay the base rate for the first year, in this case £350 a month. [RT speaks very quickly] For every further year you pay the standard rate multiplied by the distance from the Meridian line, divided by the number of times your wife consents to lay with me (Biblical style) and then multiplied by the number of grains of sand in a cubic inch. [Back to normal speaking speed] Just the normal contract conditions really.

S.L.U.T: How long would we be tied into this contract?

RT: That depends.

S.L.U.T: On what?

RT: Do you believe in an everlasting soul?

[END TRANSCRIPT]

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I know it has been a while, I can only say I am very sorry, I was temporarily detained by the security services in Bulgaria. All a horrible misunderstanding of course.

So, news, Jim… It would seem that he has managed to procure a female for staff spinning, long walks in the rain, late night chats and more. Our congratulations to you. We hope to hear how this one develops and update you sleaze fans as and when. Heres hoping this one does not end as tragically as the last time Jim got close to a lady, I am running out of places to bury them ever since Evil Joe started dumping his ‘guests’ in my hiding place.

Speaking of Evil Joe there is little of note to report beyond his most recent library book loans which include ‘The Human Body: How Sex Works’, ‘Medieval Whips and Chains’ and ‘Spy Photography: The Bathroom Window Edition’. Not sure what he is planning but we wish him the best of luck with it.

So that brings us nicely to London the capital of depraved activity. It seems that both Adam and Tristan have managed to gain employment of some description. Adam gets paid of playing with computers all day long. Other perks of the jobs include unlimited free coke (no Jim not the good sort), lunch with the boss and an incredibly attractive co-worker named Betty (do not tell Mira). Basically Adams day involves fixing Betty’s mistakes and creating ‘code for adverts’ whatever that means. Sleazy Tiger is considering getting some adverts created and posted all over the internet, something along the lines of ‘Tiger seeks sex kitten – cripplingly low self esteem a prerequisite: yes I mean you with the funny eyebrows. Must be interested in giving me £400 to pay the rent this month’.

In the mean time Tristan has asked me to enquire if anyone is looking for a spacious two bed in the up-and-coming area of Queens Park North West London, £280 per week. He is now a lettings consultant and spends his day doing what he does best, lying to the unsuspecting public and tricking them into purchasing that dodgy one bed with the body in the basement, speaking of Joe was that you again? Please stop stealing the keys from Tristan’s office and depositing your ‘mishaps’. The draw back to Tristan’s job is the fact that it involves working 8-8 six days a week. Still Mira is glad to have him out of the flat for a while!

Anyway, time for me to go and collect my new business cards before hitting the local strip club.

Ciao,
ST


P.s. Which Jugglesocer is your 'good' 'bad' and 'ugly'. Text 077796613157, Vote now!!!

Autumn, the snuggling season

So I felt it were about time update you jokers on the movements of Pixie Lott. That is right, just to prove she is not just another one time deal like the rest. According to her twitter updates she has been jet setting across Europe in Paris and Vienna but is now back home. She just could not stay away from this tiger any longer. Feel free to follow both Victoria and myself on twitter.

In other slightly more relevant news Evil Joe has discovered a fledgling juggling club in Essex! And as an added bonus on of the ladies involved in the club is “rather attractive”. Good luck sir!

Just left

*yawn* Just left! Will update soon, far too early. Although this rule does is for the best, look where not following it got me last time.

T

University of Nottingham Jugglesoc

Well well well, finally I get some news from the sleepy town of Nottingham. It seems that even in my absence juggling and sleaze has continued. The juggling club seems to be going from strength to strength and growing in size although I am a little upset that it seems the ex members have been replaced and forgotten! Not to worry, I am sure they will make there presence felt in the near future with a trip back to old haunts for the juggling and the new freshers. Evil Joe has after all nearly gone through the entirety of Essex University already. In other Evil Joe related news he has internet! Feel free to pester him.

So on to one of my favourite members, the Staff Man himself. Good news is he has managed to beat the credit crunch and find a job. Congratulations on selling your soul to the corporate world. Also good luck with your other project, the sleazy one… Try to avoid staff-face contact this time, I find that helps.

Two ex jugglesoc members have moved to pastures new joining up with rival Imperial Jugglesoc whose first meeting is Tuesday. Do not fear A and T are working from the inside to bring them down, Nottingham forever!

Best of luck to you guys in Nottingham.

ST

P.s. Anyone heard from illustrious president of yesteryear, his grace - Pete?

Dates

So, time for another update. It has come to my attention that a young tiger in London has got himself a date. Although this is not standard practice, I do understand what he is doing here, as we all know that in the current economic climate Rohypnol can be a bit too much of an expense.

We shall call her 'Bambi' (this is totally random and in no way linked to any information we may or may not have gathered about her). She is a recent graduate like our young tiger T, enjoys reading books and would like to be taken to rooms of old things.

As T has just escaped the fiery pits of hell, he may well be a bit rusty in the art of getting a lady to participate in the squelchy with him. Due to this, I, Sleazy Tiger, propose some audience participation. I would like to gather some usefulo hints and lines for our man to use during this 'date' (remember, not your standard chat up line as he already has her attention). Comment on this shiny blog or email me!

A few examples:
- *smile* *nod* *smile*
- "Would you like to come back to my place for some Cluedo?"
- *On approach of a door* "No, No, allow me" *slam door onto head until unconscious, and drag to alley* (If talking fails as rohypnol is expensive)
- "Come back to my..house" *box*, "It has columns.." *columns*, "I promise not to make a mess" *mills mess*

Stay Sleazy!
ST

A New Game

Sleazy Tiger has a new rating system: I would catch ..... to get with .....

Please post your responses and fill in the blanks.

For example, I would catch Chlamydia to get with Pixie Lott.

In other news The Evil One has travelled to the big bad city and is bemused and frightened by everything. After an evening of Monopoly and general debauchery The Evil One’s hosts retreated to play some WOW. Come tomorrow no doubt there will be much juggling and rejoicing as three way passing is likely to occur.

As for those left in Nottingham, what is happening guys? Fill me in on the gossip.

Off to catch Chlamydia.

Toodle pip,

ST