This is a message from the Office of Sleazy Sports, established 2010. More precisely, yesterday. ST himself has deigned that he has been irresponsible in ignoring the sporting field. This is mostly due to ST watching some of the Athletics over the weekend and realising that women in small outfits getting sweaty and at times handling poles was well within his remit. But mostly ST has found that the sporting world has become more and more a reflection of himself in recent times. Distant cousin Sleazy Tiger-Woods doing the dirty with what seemed like any women he could land a golf ball within five yards of (and bear in mind, he is very accurate) was a clear sign to ST that it might be time to watch Sky Sports a little more often and XXX TV a little less.
But in the last week, another figure has made a massive contribution to dirtying the good name of sport. An early contender for 'F**king stupid f**k of the year' 2010, stand up and take a bow John 'Tiger' Terry. The England Captain and Chelsea defender made a spirited effort to improve dressing room banter by doing the dirty with teammate Wayne Bridge's (now former) girlfriend. This was backstabbing of a compatriot on a scale not seen since a juggler with the initials AH nicked his flatmate's girlfriend. The similarities end there however, as Tiger Terry has not since been back to the scene of the crime and mercilessly mocked the broken ex-boyfriend.
Public condemnation of Terry has flooded in, not least because he is married with two children (or 'Unwanted Side Effects' as ST refers to small humans) and is Captain of the England football side and therefore expected to set an example. ST feels that much of this criticism is unwarranted and that Tiger Terry deserves a defence counsel. To this effect, ST has released this list of points in support of Terry:
1) The England Football Captain needs to be representative of England football fans everywhere. Therefore being a complete arsehole and shagging his best-mates girl is the least he should be doing. Terry should also be drinking 15 pints of Stella a night, getting into fights and generally being a loud wrongly-opinionated tit.
2) The lady herself (a Ms. Vanessa Perroncel) was an absolute dog of the sort not seen since the last time Evil Joe passed the Colchester branch of Liquid at 2am on a Friday night. If Terry in any way contributed to the break-up of Wayne Bridge and Ms. Perroncel's relationship then Bridge should be buying him a beer and thanking him profusely. ST does not mind a bit of ugly in his women (by and large the munters don't even force him to use the chloroform), but orange with a face like a bulldog that has been kicked repeatedly in the balls is too much even for the Master of the Slip Away Before The Light Comes On Only After Destroying Any Evidence of Where You Might Be Found.
3) In the last World Cup, many critics blamed the England WAGs for distracting the players and reducing their performance on the field. Tiger Terry was clearly working to a plan, that he would take one for the team and make sure they could not disturb the players. Here is an example of how Terry's masterstroke would work (and surely secure the World Cup):
[Date: The night before the Big Game. Location: Chez Rooney]
Colleen: Come on baby, don't you love me?
Wayne: Not tonight Sugar Lump, I need to be on top form for tomorrow's game. The boss said if I score a goal he'll give me back my Tickle Me Elmo.
Colleen: But Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayne I'm horny! Since we are in South Africa and no one knows who I am I need to get my attention from some other mentally retarded audience, and you fit the bill perfectly.
Wayne: (To himself) This is not good. She's going to touch my special place soon and I'll lose all my frustration and rage for the game. And then how will I manage to do something stupid and get myself sent off? I know, Captain Terry told me if I had a problem like this I should call him.
[Rooney walks over to the phone and punches in a short number. After five attempts. And after realising that he was using the remote he manages to get the right number]
Wayne: Skip? Yeah it's Mr Potato Head. The wife is bugging me and I need help. You'll be over in five minutes? Great. What's that? Condoms? I prefer pulling out but if you want Skip I can get you some. What? No its pretty light in here Tez. Yeah I've tried turning out all the lights and shutting the curtains. Several paper bags as well, right you are Skip.
[Terry does his Captainly duty (with the help of a bottle of Sambuca and a picture of David Beckham taped over the paper bags), Rooney gets a good night's sleep and wakes refreshed the next day. He gets sent off, England finally stop playing like a One Man Team and pull together to bring the game and the Cup home. Stirring rendition of God Save the Queen and the scene fades to black]
4) Terry was upholding the noble traditions of the 'Right de Seigneur' also known as the Captain's Prerogative. This gives the skipper the right, nay, the duty to nail his team's women if he sees fit (though Lord knows where he saw the fit in Perroncel). The last time this ancient custom was used to such good effect was in India, where an injured England Cricket Captain Michael Vaughan was rumoured to have been stroking Marcus Trescothick's wife through the covers. A distraught Trescothick returned home, leaving the openers bearth open for Alastair Cook to make a sublime debut. And then decline into mediocrity after a couple of seasons. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
5) At the end of the day, who really gives a shit what mischief the England Football Captain gets up to. He'll still be an overpaid, under-brained narcissistic twat of the highest proportions. It would be a better to give him a checklist of naughty things to accomplish when he takes the job, getting rid of the surprise and shock when they become public knowledge. Suggestions for suitable bawdy acts on a Postcard to the FA please.
This has been a proclamation from the Office of Sleazy Sports, on behalf of Sleazy Tiger. We urge you to support Team GB for the 2012 Olympic Games. Assault an opposing athlete.
