"Ladies and Gentlemen. As members of the Paparazzi, and therefore some of the lowest and most distasteful forms of life, you've probably heard the name Sleazy Tiger. A name currently known only to a select few individuals, who in other more forward thinking societies would have been 'dealt with' at birth. I intend to change that. The candidates in this election make up a weak field. We have the world's dullest man Gordon Brown, David 'Call me Dave' Cameron (or Tony Blair Mark II turned Blue) and a Lib Dem who is so anonymous you couldn't pick him out of an empty room. These are not the kind of leaders the British people should have to choose from.
More so, the British people are sick and tired of the current crop of Politicians. They decry the moral reticence at the heart of Government. They complain bitterly about the lies and spin. Well I am here today to say: No More! No more flim-flam. No more manipulation of the facts. No more betrayal of trust. Sleazy Tiger's Party of Sleaze is here to cut through the political talk and cut straight to the point.
Do you want a party that has your best interests at heart? Do you want a party that will conduct itself with decorum and honour? Do you want a party that will work tirelessly and selflessly to make Britain a better place for John & Joan Smith?
Dream on! There is no such party. Politics is exclusively the preserve of imbeciles driven by desire for power, influence, two Jags, a second home, an expenses account and a shaggable secretary. No one is in it for the betterment of their fellow citizens. You might ask "what's the point Sleazy Tiger? If all we are going to get is the same brand of interest groups and cash for (insert suitable political phrase) scandal, then why vote at all?
Friends, there is now an answer. I could claim that I as an outsider to Politics I am immune to such filthy practices. But my criminal record would quickly prove otherwise. No, you the people deserve the unvarnished truth. I, Sleazy Tiger, therefore launch my campaign to become Prime Minister with this slogan:
"We won't lie. We are going to F**k you over."
My manifesto is simple. "Keep it Sleazy." My position on the key issues is just as clear cut:
-Drugs: All legalised. All free. All the time.
-The NHS: Darwinian principles apply.
-Pensions: You're all on drugs and there is no healthcare. You don't need to worry about a pension.
-Banks: No bail outs. If bankers want to live in the lap of luxury at the expense of the common man, they can become MPs like we all had to.
-Abortions: A necessity in Sleazy Tiger's Britain. Number 11 Downing Street to become a free clinic to cater to its next-door neighbour's needs.
-Prisons: Sleazy Tiger is tough on crime. A wall, a cigarette and a blindfold style tough.
-Global Warming: I support anything that will lead to bikinis in November.
-Alcohol: The standard unit to be increased to a triple of current standards. Free drinks for attractive females.
-Same-Sex Marriage: To be banned. As will traditional marriage. Monogamy is for pussies.
-Governmental Corruption: Will henceforth be known as 'How we do Business round here.'
Of great importance to any successful government is its Cabinet. My backroom staff has been hand picked for their enormous experience and their suitability to stay on message. They are:
John, Robert and Edward Kennedy
-Three powerhouses of American political history whose knowledge, calm assurance and political acumen is only tempered by their all being dead. But their collective achievements make them unmissable: individually they stole a Presidential election, cheated on their wives with the same woman, drove a car off a bridge killing a young girl and yet still managed to be viewed as all-American heroes. True legends.
John Prescott
-Every party needs a strong hand to keep the members in line and a man willing to throw his not-inconsiderable weight about would make the ideal political attack dog. Needs to work on his jab if he is to really become a real heavy-hitter. Has done sterling work in the Secretary boffing stakes however.
Margaret Thatcher
-With the Russian threat growing stronger every day (growing comparatively with the number of homo-erotic photographs released by Vladimir Putin) a Cold War Warrior is required to play a strong hand against the Old Bear. The Iron Lady not only provided a bulwark against Soviet aggression during the 80s, but also managed to piss off virtually every element in society. Fine effort. For a girl.
Prince Philip
-Perfect for diplomatic duties. Can offend by race, sexuality, gender, creed or even musical ability. A true aristocrat of the old school, best deployed when you need someone to declare war on you. If George Bush and Tony Blair had sent him to meet with Saddam Hussain pre 2003, there would have been no need to invent that WMD fairy tale.
Sarah Palin
-Far too entertaining not to have on the political scene. For best results place in an interview situation. Unprepared. If however you want some real substance, hire Tina Fey to portray Palin. That way you actually get some political nous to go with the glamour.
I would hope that you, the British People, can see that Sleazy Tiger's Party of Sleaze is the only choice in the 2010 General Election. A vote for Labour is a vote for incompetence. A vote for the Conservatives is a vote for rightism. A vote for the Lib Dems is a vote wasted. A vote for Sleazy Tiger is a vote for chaos. But at least we don't pretend otherwise."
Vote Sleazy Tiger (Sleazy Tiger's Party of Sleaze) on 6th May. Because he can't be much worse than the alternative.
