Watchtiger

Watchtiger – saving you money to spend on hookers and blow

We now bring you this exclusive. Watchtiger has received numerous reports of shady dealings in London’s world of property rentals. A firm, who we may not name for legal reasons, have been accused of dirty practices in the promotion and leasing of houses. One particular employee has been identified as being wholly and solely complicit in such underhand acts. We are not authorised to name this individual, however in this article he shall be known under the pseudonym ‘Rristan Tedburn.’

Watchtiger decided to collect evidence of these alleged misdemeanours. Two of our investigative team, posing as a prospective couple, used a hidden camera to record shocking footage. The misleading descriptions and outright falsehoods they received are documented in the transcript below:

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Rristan Tedburn (RT): Pleasure to meet both of you. [Flashes pearly white winning smile] Are you ready to see your new house?

Targeted Watchtiger Anonymous Team-man (T.W.A.T.): I thought you said this was a nice area?

RT: But it is. Or at least it will be. The current residents...
Subtle Lady Uncovering Turpitude (S.L.U.T.): A tramp pissed on me on our way here!

RT: The current residents are slowly being pushed out by the influx of young urban professionals. Take that gentleman for instance. [Points at a suited man across the road] A fine example of the standard of tenant you can expect in this neighbourhood.

T.W.A.T: He’s a drug dealer.

RT: I doubt that.

T.W.A.T: Then why did he offer me some ‘Brown Sugar’ when he approached us before you arrived?

RT: Because he is a Pimp and not known to diversify. Shall we go inside? [Hurriedly moves couple into house]

RT: So, as you can see it is a Victorian terrace, tastefully furnished and kept to the highest standard.

S.L.U.T: Tastefully furnished? It’s practically empty!

RT: That is what is so tasteful about it. This house has been furnished to appeal to a wide range of design opinions. Take the living room for example; it has a minimalist look whilst having all necessary fittings to fulfil any requirements.

S.L.U.T: It’s got a plank of wood balanced on two boxes.

RT: A rustic, minimalist look. Shall we check upstairs?

RT: As you can see, it is an open plan attic bedroom, with skylight and en-suite facilities.

T.W.A.T: By en-suite facilities you mean that bucket?

RT: And so close to the bed, such convenience!

S.L.U.T: And when you say skylight, do you mean that hole in the roof? [points to 1.5x1 metre gap in ceiling]

RT: Hole? Calling that a hole defames the groundbreaking vision of the architect. This is an Immersive Skylight. It brings the outside environment in, involving you in your surroundings. If you want to feel closer to nature then this is the feature for you.

S.L.U.T: And what happens when it rains?

RT: You get really immersed in nature.

T.W.A.T: I can’t believe this.

RT: It shocks me too. Such opulence for just £350 a month. An absolute bargain even if I say so myself.

T.W.A.T: You really expect us to pay that much to live here?

RT: For the first year yes.

S.L.U.T: First year?

RT: Our standard contract is laid out as follows. You pay the base rate for the first year, in this case £350 a month. [RT speaks very quickly] For every further year you pay the standard rate multiplied by the distance from the Meridian line, divided by the number of times your wife consents to lay with me (Biblical style) and then multiplied by the number of grains of sand in a cubic inch. [Back to normal speaking speed] Just the normal contract conditions really.

S.L.U.T: How long would we be tied into this contract?

RT: That depends.

S.L.U.T: On what?

RT: Do you believe in an everlasting soul?

[END TRANSCRIPT]