Sleazy Tiger and the Holy Grail

As Sleazy Tiger looked out over the world that he had not created because he couldn't be arsed but was more than happy to take credit for, he felt pride. Everywhere he looked he could see reflections of himself. In the brothels of Nevada he saw himself. In the gin palaces of Soho he saw himself. In the poppy fields of Afghanistan he saw himself. In the Parliament of Westminster he saw quite a lot of himself. This was pleasing to Sleazy Tiger, as he had not laboured long and hard for six days and six nights to create such a fertile land. But yet, Sleazy Tiger felt that something was missing. In this near imperfect land there was something less than sordid. Sleazy Tiger felt it in the hole where his heart should have been. And lo! The answer came to him in the white hot flash of a sparked reefer.

One of his disciples was much holier than thou should have been and was failing to spread the word through deed. Sleazy Tiger looked down on this apostle and was displeased. EVIL JOE SPURNS THE LOVLIEST OF THE THINGS I DID NOT CREATE, THE WOMAN. Sleazy Tiger thundered. IN DOING THIS EVIL JOE FAILS TO HONOUR ME PROPERLY. HATH I NOT GIVEN HIM ALL HE COULD WANT? A JOB IN A PROFESSION DOMINATED BY WOMEN? A POSITION IN A UNIVERSITY WHERE THERE ARE MANY NUBILE YOUNG FEMALES? I EVEN MOVED HIM TO THAT LAND OF PLENTY, ESSEX!

Sleazy Tiger was greatly angered and considered vengeance against the renegade disciple in the form of a plague of STDs. Eventually his wrath cooleth. NO. Said Sleazy Tiger. EVIL JOE HATH BEEN A GOOD SERVANT TO ME. HE HATH SWORN. HE HATH STOLEN. HE HATH DRUNK TILL HE WAS LEGOED. HE HATH PUSHED AN OLD LADY UNDER A BUS. I MUST DO MORE TO GUIDE MY SON (Paternity Suit Pending) IF HE IS TO FIND HIS WAY. Sleazy Tiger decided this, and it was good.

Sleazy Tiger then appeared unto his most loyal and favourite disciple, Tristan the Rock, in the form of a burning bush. I AM SORRY TO DISTURB YOU MY SON, BUT I HAVE A DIVINE TASK FOR YOU. Sleazy Tiger charged his disciple to come up with 10 chat-up lines for Evil Joe at the British Juggling Convention. FOR IF HE CAN NOT PULLETH THERE, WHAT HOPE HAVEETH HE? Tristan the Rock agreed and sought Sleazy Tiger’s patience to allow him to finish what had been interrupted. Sleazy Tiger assented, but insisted that Tristan might want to get checked out after that burning bush. Tristan did so, and it was not good.

Tristan the Rock made a pilgrimage to the holy castle of Nottingham and stayed forty days and forty nights in the caves beneath its mighty walls, surviving only on Ale and Pork Scratchings and waiting for inspiration. On the forty first day he emerged, and with him he naught but a biblical hangover and stone tablets proclaiming the 10 chat-up line commandments of Sleazy Tiger. They read thus:

I - Want to see my Two Ball Mess?

II - You look like you’ve got experience in handling a long staff.

III - Come on, what better offer are you going to get round here? Aside from him. And him. And him.

IV - I’ve always loved a girl in a Hula Hoop.

V - You do realise random underage girl, that I could buy you booze & fag?

VI - I’m a unilateral American invasion force and you’re Afghanistan. Prepare to be liberated!

VII - Yet another drink?

VIII – I’m like Saddam Hussein. Well hung.

IX - You look like a supermodel. Yeah, one of those plus sized ones.

X - I’ve always thought Poi could just as easily be used as restraining chains.

Sleazy Tiger read of the commandments and was pleased. He ordered Tristan the Rock to deliver them unto Evil Joe. Tristan did so, and was rewarded by Sleazy Tiger with Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, which were their stage names.

Sleazy Tiger also sought out another apostle, James the Just. JAMES, YOU HATH USED YOUR STAFF SKILLS TO PULLETH A FINE JUGGLING WOMAN. YOU MUST GUIDE EVIL JOE THROUGH THE TRIALS THAT ARE TO COME. LET HIM NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP OF THE UGLY, THE OBESE OR THE INSANE (THOUGH GOOD LUCK FINDING ANY SANE JUGGLERS). YOU WILL BE REWARDED FOR YOUR SERVICE WITH THE STAFF OF MOSES, WHICH CAN DO SOME REALLY SWEET STALLS. James heard Sleazy Tiger’s proclamation, and vowed to follow it faithfully.

The Romans came unto James and offered him thirty pieces of silver if here were to ruin Evil Joe’s chances. James the Just considered their offer, but deemed that, whilst getting crucified was the closest Evil Joe would get to being nailed, it was not worth it for less than fifty. The Romans offered forty, then forty five pieces, but demanded a 30% share of the betrayal. James the Just would not give away more than 25%, and so decided to go it alone. James was pleased with his resilience, and declared that he would not deny Evil Joe three times before his cock could crow. Sleazy Tiger blessed this statement and stated that he held great hopes for a Second Coming.

Sleazy Tiger supports prayer. Specifically, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God Yes, Yes Yes Yes Yes!