In honour of the momentous Election Night that is to come tomorrow and, more importantly, to honour the joyous fact that the Election Campaign will finally be over and the levels of bullshit in the world will become remarkably lower, Sleazy Tiger has printed the ‘British General Election Drinking Game’ rules. Every year, ST produces an updated version of this fine tradition to reflect the current political situation and to adequately get the participant absolutely pished. The origins of the ‘British General Election Drinking Game’ are lost in the mists of ST’s various transgressions, but he believes it started when he was forced by circumstance to follow the 1922 General Election and found it so mind numbingly boring that he took to chugging double G & T’s anytime the radio announcer giggled at the name ‘Bonar Law.’
He has since continued the practice and often invites the candidates along for the fun. So far, the only main party candidate to take up the offer has been Winston Churchill. After drinking the party dry he then went on a joy-ride down the Strand in one of the tanks named for him. The shadowy powers that control World Politics from behind the scenes deemed his actions to be objectionable and stripped him of his rightful election victory. And that’s why the Conservatives surprisingly lost the 1945 election.
The rules of ‘British General Election Drinking’ are simple. If something happens, you take a drink. The substance and quantity of the drink is especially tailored to reflect the significance and character of the result that has occurred. It’s also fun game for all the family* to enjoy in a style that optimises the value of family espoused by the Tories, the boost to the economy championed by Labour and the alcoholism enjoyed by former party leader and current Lib Dem MP [correct at time of writing] Charles Kennedy.
*Note: Children often cannot hold their liquor. Sleazy Tiger blames bad parenting and asks that all small humans who have not been brought up to be able to down 10 shots of Sambuca be excused from the festivities on the grounds that they are wusses.
Drinking concerning the Election outcome:
For every Labour MP elected:
take a drink.
For every Liberal Democrat MP elected:
take a drink [Participants in previous editions of the ‘British General Election Drinking Game’ will have noticed that this is a reduction from the double of previous years].
For every Conservative MP elected:
have your butler pour you a glass of the Château Cher Vin Pretentious and enjoy in your leather wingback with your dogs in front of your roaring fireplace in your country pile. If you don’t have any of these things, take a drink of whatever cheap swill you have and weep for your future pleb.
For every British National Party/English Democrat Party/National Front MP elected:
take a drink, then organise a lynch mob.
For every United Kingdom Independence Party MP elected:
take a drink. Not wine, it’s foreign European muck. Not Leffe, its Belgium. Bloody Brussels, taking all our money. Heineken? Are you having a laugh?
For every Green Party MP elected:
if you did not vote for them, take a double of whatever you like. If you did, take a drink of Camomile tea and get a haircut you damn hippy.
For every Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition /Socialist Labour Party/Worker’s Revolutionary Party/Communist Party of Great Britain/Communist League MP elected:
take a drink of vodka Comrade and follow me to the Odessa steps!
For every Official Monster Raving Loony Party MP elected:
stop taking acid, take a drink.
For every Sleazy Tiger’s Party of Sleaze MP elected:
down a bottle of Absinthe.
Drinking concerning Election Minutiae:
For every time Gordon Brown looks genuinely happy:
no drink required, not going to happen.
For every time David Cameron tries to play down his poshness:
drink a bottle of Stella in a salute to ‘Dave’.
For every time Nick Clegg makes out that it is a three horse race:
take a drink and laugh at his optimism.
For every time the BBC interviews a celebrity for their opinion:
take a drink and repeat until you pass out and are spared from the torture.
For every time Jimmy Carr looks smug on the Alternative Election Night:
take a sip of water [This is a rehydration rule aimed to keep the participant in the Game all-night long].
For every time David Mitchell says something witty, insightful or clever on the Alternative Election Night:
take a sip of water [See above rule].
For every time the BBC use a fancy graphic to illustrate what they are saying/predicting:
if the graphic is informative, take a drink. If it is not, take a double. If it is utterly pointless, drink in proportion to how utterly pointless it is.
For every time someone mentions ‘Bigot-gate’:
take a double and describe yourself to anyone in earshot as a ‘penitent sinner.’
For every time someone mentions a ‘hung Parliament’:
mix various drinks together and down. Unlike an actual ‘hung Parliament’ this will actually be able to do something. Most likely, causing you to go blind.
You have played the ‘British General Election Drinking Game’! If you’ve made it to the final result, congratulations. You are now horribly drunk and thus ready to face whatever catastrophes the new government will no doubt create.
Sleazy Tiger supports drinking responsibly. Remember, wine then beer, never fear. Beer then wine then whiskey then vodka then amaretto then rum then port then bourbon, never fails.
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