SLEAZY TIGER’S BLOG OF SLEAZE LITERARY INSTALLMENT PART TWO - THE ANCIENT HISTORY YEARS:

“...after showing my new Scandinavian friends the meaning of the words ‘rape’ and ‘pillage’ and giving them directions to Lindisfarne, I set off to find a party worth attending. The world at this time could be pretty dull on a small scale. Misdemeanours at a local level were limited to getting steaming drunk on the local ale and then nicking your neighbours goat. Which is fine for a Tuesday night but when you want to create some real chaos it can be a little uninspired. However, what the Middle Ages were good for was a proper war. War these days is all electronics and IEDs, guerrilla warfare and Americans prematurely claiming victory. But in those days they had proper fights. Two nations would line up all the oiks they could conscript from the countryside on opposing sides of a field, give them sharp objects and then massively redecorate the colour of the grass.

To facilitate such events I became a Diplomat of Fortune. I’d spread rumours, create problems and in some cases just mention that the French were getting uppity again. Generally it took little more than a few well placed sentences for me to be able to set up a chair, sit back and watch the land bleed. As much as I enjoyed making wars happen I did like to get into the action every now and again. For instance, I remember playing a hilarious practical joke on King Edward II when I asked him if he thought that object in the sky was an arrow or a bird. We both had a good laugh over that one. Before he bled to death. A great one was when I convinced a servant girl from France that I was God and that she should lead her people in a fight against the English. A little harsh I’ll admit, but I’ve never found a better way of ensuring that a lady can’t get in contact with you after sleeping with them than having them burned at the stake.”

“...but as time wore on I found it all too easy. You just made sure heirs to thrones married into other royal houses and the inevitable succession disputes led to any number of conflicts whilst the inter-breeding led to rulers with the mental agility of turnips. After a while I did begin to wonder if I was becoming too predictable. I felt I needed to become more underhand in my dealings and to circulate a brand of sleaze that would last longer than any King or Dynasty. So I took myself off to Italy to ponder my next move. I met a young wheeler dealer while I was there who would ask constant questions on my new form of rulership and made copious notes. Had I known he was going to nick all my ideas and write a book that would be considered the authority on political bastardry to this day I’d have given him a high-five and then thrown him off the top of the Vatican.

However, I’d become rather enamoured with the drinking culture of that was developing. Champagne, whiskey and other fine intoxicants were becoming popular and I was riding the tide of fashion. This period of my life came to a head in 1550 when I went out for a quiet drink with the Pope Julius III to celebrate his ascension to the role. He brought along a young chap he introduced as ‘Cardinal-Nephew.’ I might have started a rumour that night that the two were an item, but I find it hard to distinguish between the many lies I’ve told about the Catholic church (don’t tell anyone, but without my many sordid stories they’d be known as a really nice group). Anyway, one thing led to another and I woke up with a rather beastly hangover the next day to find it was 1914. Whether I spent this time sleeping off the heavy night or going on one 350 year bender I’ve never been able to figure out.”