SLEAZY TIGER’S BLOG OF SLEAZE LITERARY INSTALLMENT: PART FOUR - A MODERN TIGER FOR A MODERN TIME

“I have described my past in detail here for the first time, so I guess I should not be surprised that for many years there has been some confusion over my origins. Until now the most popular and widely held theory was that I was invented by a group of idiotic drunken jugglers as the parallel of their Student Union’s own ‘Easy Tiger’. Nothing could be further from the truth. Whilst the bunch of clowns believed that they had created me from the darkest recesses of their gin addled psyches they were sadly mistaken. This misplaced conviction was quickly quashed as I unleashed a barrage of lawyers* to sue them for misrepresentation, slander (as if I’d even bother wasting my time harassing that amateur ‘Easy Tiger’) and for being a bunch of sad bastards who spent their Monday evenings juggling when they could have been chatting up girls.

They withered under my blitzkrieg attack and quickly gave up their ridiculous claims. But their hero worship of me had inadvertently made me into an internet sensation. Suddenly perverts, players and paedophiles (though I still maintain I thought she was 16) everywhere were hailing me as their Messiah. My rise to fame came much like Paris Hilton’s in that I had existed before the web announced me to the world but no one cared. Unlike the famous heiress however, I did more than release one poor quality sex tape and make a living from the resulting infamy. In fact I’ve appeared in every sex tape ever produced. In at least one shot of every sex tape, no matter how poorly shot or tame, there is my great self standing in the background giving any and all participants a big thumbs up.”

[*You might ask, “But ST, aren’t lawyers a bit too...well... establishment for you?” Nothing could be further from the truth. I have always employed the lawyer as one of my primary forces of attack, and in fact I was instrumental in their creation as a key part of the world’s judicial system. After all, they lie, manipulate, sometimes steal and often defend some of the worst people in the world. Were they not as untrustworthy as Webmonkey around a flatmate’s girlfriend I’d embrace them as my brothers in sleaze.]

“The internet has been a revelation to this Tiger. I of course was around when it began, but I did not see the potential. It was just a bunch of geeks sharing the results of their latest test to investigate the levels of sex in their sad little lives (Results: Still not getting any). I admit I was lax in my foresight, as this was the perfect set-up for me to invent internet dating, internet sex sites and cyber-stalking all in one fell swoop. In my defence this occurred in Switzerland, a country where their favourite activity is yodelling, so I wasn’t exactly on the lookout for prime sleaze opportunities. It has been one of my greatest regrets that I was not onboard with the web revolution from the start (up there with not altering the Bible to make me God but then who knew how big it would become?) but I like to think I have since made up for it. My blog is a roaring success and my Twitter has more followers than I’ve had serious long-term relationships (by a ratio of 4:0).”

“So what’s next for Sleazy Tiger? I’m sure you ask. The simple fact is that I don’t know. Plans and organisation are for losers. Chaos and coincidence is what has served this Tiger well and will no doubt continue to do so. My hopes for the future are high though. Space travel must come good at some point, as I would like to start my own inter-stellar space force. ‘Sleaze Trek’ I will name it, slogan ‘Boldly going where no man has gone before and where no man will be welcome to return once I’m done.’ I’m also hoping time travel will be invented as I’ve always wanted to sire myself. I remain convinced that no creature other than me could have spawned such magnificence.

But above all I hope that humanity continues to listen to the unconscious genetic remnants of the life we led millions of years ago. Fight or flight or f**k instinct as I like to think of it. Because those base elements are what keeps us from becoming the utopian future of peace, harmony and infinite joy. Long live the reptilian brain and long live sleaze.”