Sleazy Horoscopes

Aries – The clear view of Uranus could leave you in an awkward position. Try not to go outside too much and avoid contact with other living things.

Taurus – Your sign is going into eclipse behind the sun. Carry a spare juggling club at all times otherwise you could cease to exist.

Gemini – You will be called up to defend your planet against invading alien forces from your star. As a Gemini you must fight, it is probably all your fault anyway.

Virgo – The unexpected positioning of your sign against the horizon of Mars means a violent encounter is likely to occur. Beware of large wild animals.

Leo – Jupiter’s newly discovered moon means nothing to your sign. I just mentioned it to lengthen your reading as nothing will happen to you.

Cancer – Had a birthday recently? Turns out my birthday present to you may have had an STI. My advice is get tested due to Saturn’s elongating orbit.

Libra – Beware a suspicious Leo by the name of Quentin McNargle. Stay away from Barcelona.

Scorpio – As your sign enters the Gammal phase you should be on a heightened sense of alert. The opportunity for sleaze could be around any corner.

Sagittarius – Happiness lies in a three cheese pizza. Particularly attractive female Sagittarius’ should take their favourite sleazy astronomer out for a pizza, their treat.

Capricorn – You are in for some luck as Mercury counter balances the jambolio of its moons. Prepare yourself for a surprise dance contest.

Aquarius - Neptune and Pluto align. Typically such an event will cause unbalance in your sign. Perhaps sit down and do not attempt any high wire stunts.

Pisces – A Pisces with the name beginning with T and ending in ristan is the coolest person ever. Fact.